My emotions are in a wreck.
It was revealed this morning during my devotion, that it seems, I have been burying my feelings. It is hard to imagine for those who know me, as I am someone who wears my emotions on my sleeves. It was a particularly hard pill for me to swallow as I prided myself to be an individual who loves spending time reflecting, and considers myself to be rather self-aware.
However, it appears that I have been avoiding some emotions within. The emotional waves might have been so great, that to some extent, I may have been repressing some of these feelings.
What are these feelings? Well, an array of feelings actually - anger, sadness, disappointment, guilty, unsettled, tired, overwhelmed, discouragement, excitement, creative, thankful, nervous, fearful, bitterness, denial, numbness, and indifference. As one can see, majority are what society deems as "not so positive"/"negative".
It is not as if something bad happened to me or my loved ones recently. So, why? I guess this post is me trying to make sense of things, both inside me and outside of me.
I am sure for most of us, something stirs within when we see headlines like these:
Those were just our local situations. When we add in the global situations,
Not to mention, the above are only COVID-19 related news.
I do have to mention at this juncture that I have only highlighted the bleak news. There are definitely hopeful news out there too, which we thank God for!
Just as we thought things were getting better, and I would say, in a rather good place, when things hit. Community cases started to go on steady rise, and tightened measures were put in place. Youth meetings are back on zoom, church services are back online, WFH becomes the default, and meeting with family members from more than 1 household becomes tricky. Plans are cancelled, appointments are rescheduled, staycations are refunded. There is tension within me. Being a homebody and an introvert, I would like to say that while, I am super okay (read: happy, excited) staying home, however, I do have to admit that at this point, I am not okay emotionally (read: sad, angry, disappointed, anxious & more) with the situation surrounding it.
It is like being on an emotional rollercoaster. Waves of feelings coming over me again and again. It is tiring, and I know I am not alone in this. I try to find reasons why these things are happening, or answers on how to deal with these. Sometimes, I may be able to make some good guesses, but more often than not, nada (nothing). There are no answers to be found. Instead, the lack of definite answers can cause me to end up feeling even more sian/ughhh.
Before I move on, I need a quick reminder. Emotions are neutral. There is no positive or negative feelings. Emotions are normal and they indicate that I am a functioning human being. It is the response that I need to pay attention to. So how?
Awareness Identify my feelings (http://feelingswheel.com/ - I find the feelings wheel to be a good resource for me). Ask for the Holy Spirit's help to reveal how I am feeling inside.
Bring it to God in prayer Acknowledge these feelings, and bring them to God. God does not say that I can only go to Him once I have calmed down. Instead, to bring my emotions before Him and submit the situation in prayer. He may not give me the answers I want, but His Spirit stirs within me to give me the peace and comfort I need. I have learnt that this is usually not once-off, but a daily act of coming before Him. (Sometimes, several times in a day even) "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7 (ESV)
Hold on to my Hope in Jesus Often times, I find myself being so brought down by what's happening in the world. As much as I know that we are living in end times, the heaviness and despair is still no joke. I pray for them to go away, and (try, with God's help) to keep my eyes fixed on Him. To hold on to my hope in Christ Jesus, that one day, everything will be made new again! To hold on to Him and His promises even when it is not easy. "Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” And he said to me, “It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son. But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.”" - Revelations 21:1-8 (ESV)
Journey with community I am not meant to walk on this earth alone. As believers, we are called to share each other's burdens, to pray for one other, and to encourage, exhort, reassure each other with His truth. "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too." - 2 Corinthians 1:3-5
It is still with a heavy heart that I am ending this post. However, it is my prayer that our gracious Lord will guide us through this difficult situation with His presence, His love, His grace and His wisdom. In such a time, may we only draw closer to Him.
Please feel free to let me know if I can be praying for you, or journeying with you. <3