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Can I Admit That I Don't Have It All Together?

Journal dated: 27 Jan 2021


Can I admit that I don't have it all together?

Can I admit that things are falling apart?

Can I admit that things are all over the place?

I messed up. Again.

I just want to hide, to hide away from the world, to hide from God.

Screwing up one of the mask holder this morning reminded me of how much of a failure I am.

Yes, I can.

Yes, I can and it's okay.

Yes, I can and it's okay to not be okay.

In this world, I will mess up again.

God does not want me to hide from Him. He wants to come in and work in my mess. He wants to untangle my mess.

I am not a failure.

I just happened to mess up my thread.

It happens.

I will just have put in a little more effort, to unpick the threads.


Fast forward to 17 Feb 2021,

I still do not have it all together. Along the way, I messed up again. Several times in fact. Instead of hiding and focusing on my failures, I had to focus on Him.


Two things remained constant: Love and Grace.

Love. I learnt the biggest life lesson in 2020.


Grace. We all need it. Reminder to self: Yes, Rena, you need it everyday.

At the end of the day, we all need His grace. After one year of IDMCi, I wished I could say I got it all together in my spiritual life, but nope. Well, to be frank, I was disappointed with myself. Yup, it is about me. Now that I have gone through the whole programme, I can do it. I can become a good Christian based on my own doing and strength. You know how that turns out.


Looking back, I give thanks that I CMI (cannot make it). It brings me to my knees at the cross of Jesus.


It is only by His grace that I am forgiven, again and again.

It is only by His grace that I know Him.

It is only by His grace that I can finish well.


Humans will definitely fail, none of us will be perfect on this earth. Yet, His grace is sufficient for us when we fix our eyes on Him.


Penning all these down, it is not that I have learnt all that is about love and grace. I am still learning from the One who is the giver of Love and Grace. I pray that by His grace, we will be able to finish well on this side of eternity.


To Him be the glory, forever and ever!


In His Name,

Rena

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